By Esther Yew
They ask me to move my fingers, then my toes but all I could feel is a sharp sensation. Every one is speaking so fast that I could barely comprehend anything. I am listening so hard to them that my ears feel like it is going to explode but all I hear is silence. My body is becoming so stiff that my muscles start to weaken. The pit of my stomach feels heavy and my palms are getting clammy. Even though my eyes are closed, the outlines of a bright light is starting to blind me. Something is pressed against my chest, which made my insides shake. Suddenly, I am not comfortable in this position. I need to turn around and run. Behind me, a glowing light attracted me making me unknowingly run towards it. It engulfs me into its beauty and suddenly I do not feel myself anymore. The next thing I know I find myself in pure darkness.There is a sharp ringing sound around me, gradually getting so intense until it is too much for me to bear. I needed to get away from this and I snap my eyes open.
The moment I wake up, rebuke is what I get instead of comforting words, which I long for. Did they know that it is a miracle to survive this ordeal? Did they know how lucky I was? Despite the extent of my injuries, all I needed to do is to stay in the hospital for a longer period than normal to monitor my recovery whilst going through intensive physiotherapy and treatment.
The beauty of staying in the most reputable hospital in the country is the state of the art facilities, technology that brought me to life, and the scenery around me I start to find refuge in the massive courtyard where I can take my mind off the depressive and desolated state I am in. Not being able to live like how I use to, makes me question life and the reason of me being here. How then can I live the life I wanted and dreamt about? Can I just leave this dreaded world?
“Not bad, huh, for someone who was told she would never walk again.”
As I look up towards that voice which interrupted my train of thoughts and take in his appearance, things around me start to fade away. It feels like he had his hand reaching down to my lungs and drawing my breath away from my weak body. His blue eyes penetrated into my soul and became eternally engraved into my mind. It is a feeling that I can’t describe at all. I always wonder how love felt like all these years; I have put up a façade as a person high up the popularity chain by jumping into relationships for the sake of it without a clue about their real stories and the real them.
This is like a beautiful feeling that can’t be explained not even in a million words, but it is so surreal that it frightens me. He walks over and drapes my shoulder with a jacket, which feels like he is wrapping me in a tranquil feeling that I never felt before. I am counting the skips in my heartbeat and find my mouth getting dry. I knew deep down that this is the beginning of the most beautiful love story ever.
You know you’re in love when you have a reason to justify your existence and when you can’t imagine living without this one person. There is this bond when you’re around him and it is something that is more than just science; it’s the reason that makes you believe that there is something beyond your control. This is how I felt. It makes me feel that the life I have always wanted is possible and that I could be loved again after all that has happened. Love is too small a word to explain everything I feel for him. I can’t find any reasonable way to explain this intense intangible feeling in a four-letter word. On one night, he painted me a sky and filled it with stars and the bliss of the first kiss we shared felt like a never-ending fairy tale. But in reality, fairy tales don’t exist.
Finally it is the day to be discharged from this hellhole. While packing my bag, I feel a cold shiver down my spine and suddenly, my head feels so heavy. My stomach starts to churn and the urge to throw up got stronger and stronger. Suddenly, a hand started to rub my back, which immediately made me feel better. I turn around to see my favorite pair of blue eyes staring at me and he takes my hand in his and kisses it. He then leads me out the door to the next room. I pause in my steps, taking a look at him in curiosity but he smiled his million-dollar smile and nodded in reassurance.
He opens the door and the smell of depression fills the air. I look towards the single bed at the end of the room and there are two middle-aged man and woman looking very much like my parents, sitting at the sides of the bed looking extremely weary and tired. Even though the room is filled with bouquets and hampers and all sorts of things, it isn’t happiness I sense but despair and desolation. My legs started to move by itself towards the bed. What greeted me, made me fall to the ground. I started to tremble staring at myself on the bed.
It dawned upon me that this dream is ending and the only person who makes me feel alive is the one who is killing this dream. I shake my head slowly in disbelief and resistance. He walks over towards me and I try running away but he catches me on time. Those blue eyes stared straight into mine. I start to break down, as I know that I can’t escape from this fate and knowing that I have to go back; back to reality and back to who I am supposed to be. Amidst my tears, at the corner of my eye, the girl on the bed had a tear drop from her face. A sudden weak and powerless defeat overwhelms me. There are so many questions at the back of my mind that I want to ask and say but nothing comes out from my mouth.
“Will you be there when I go back?”
“Why did you give me so much hope to crush it after?”
“You made me believe in myself and in love, but will it all disappear?”
As I continue to stare blankly at him, my eyes felt heavy.
I find myself falling into an endless pit of darkness. The bright light that once attracted me fade away and my heart ached so much that I could not withhold it anymore. I close my eyes to shut out the pain but landed with a huge thud onto the end of that darkness. A cold sensation filled me from head to toe and it numbed out everything I felt. The memories I have with him appear before me like a fast paced movie and it starts to go from colorful flashes of light to sudden darkness. Not withstanding the darkness,the urge to open my eyes gradually got so strong that I succumbed to it and the first thing I see are my parents looking at me with amazement and happiness mixed with cries of joy and shouts for the doctor. I look around me and my mind goes blank.
The moment I wake up, I have a new and strange excitement to start my new life. You know you are really living a life you wanted when you have a reason to justify your existence and when you can’t imagine not living on earth anymore.This is how I feel; like a better person with a new purpose and love for everyone around me, which I knew I never had before. It is like I was lost but now I am found. It makes me feel that the life I have always wanted is possible. This life has so much to hold for me that I can’t find any reasonable way to explain this intense intangible feeling in a four-letter word.
While walking through the courtyard on the way out of the hospital, a familiar blue-eyed person walks past me. Suddenly, my eyes well up in tears and my heart feels so heavy and pain that I start to clench my fist. Feeling something in my clenched fist, I release it to find a letter with the bold words, “SURREALLY YOURS”at the top. While reading the letter, a warm sense of happiness mixed with satisfaction and realization replaced that heaviness. I walk out of the hospital doors with a huge smile on my face, embracing a better future.